The 1st Christmas Jared and I were married we didn't have a tree. We'd been married a month and that's all I wanted for a gift but it simply wasn't in the budget so it didn't happen. I wasn't happy about it. So the whole next year I saved so when Black Friday came I could hit Taipan early to find all the perfect ornaments. We had a live Christmas tree that year which smelled wonderful and looked beautiful!
Our next year I strung 12 strands of Christmas lights on our evergreen- that thing glowed! But when Jared went to clean it up, taking them all off proved too much work with the sap and needles. With my approval, out went 10 of those strands with the tree.
Our 4th Christmas together was tighter on the budget again. We lucked out with getting a free artificial tree from a dear friend, but since half the lights were out and they were color lights, something had to be done. I didn't want to just put white lights over them so I asked Jared to cut them all off! It took so long to do but he never complained. Once again, we had a beautiful tree that year even if it did take up half the living room space in our little apartment.
That was end of my love for those ornaments though. I got sick the day after Christmas and Jared and our baby followed suit two days later. That tree stood decorated for weeks after the holiday as we were all too sick and too exhausted to do much about it. I slowly took ornaments off, a few where, a few there. Even when they were all off, the tree was still up long after I had recovered but Jared's illness got worse. I finally packed that tree up on Monday, Jan 29; my husband's last day he'd teach seminary and two days before he'd be admitted to the hospital. I remember being so proud that tree was finally packed up! I had sent a picture to Jared showing him the empty corner it had been in. Little did I know that tree box would sit there for almost another week until my sister + sister in-law took it to storage in a secret effort to get our place ready to come home from the hospital, not knowing that wouldn't ever happen for my husband. He became our angel that following Saturday morning while a light skiff of snow dusted the whole valley outside.
When December came again 11 agonizing months later there was no way I was going to put that tree back up. To me it represented being sick and all things things that continued to be left undone in our lives. It had stood long enough so I figured it could stay in that stupid ol' box. I wasn't even going to do a tree. My parents would have one and that was good enough for me. I didn't want to try to make the holiday season the same as it once was, because the reality is that it wasn't the same. And never would be. Any attempt to keep doing the same things as before would be in vain. But I remembered that 1st Christmas without a tree. It was important to me keep the spirit of Christmas alive. It became apparent to me that having a tree still was a big part of that so on a last minute Black Friday shopping trip I found a tree that would become my new favorite decoration for the season.
Maybe one day we will have a home where I will put up two trees. One where all those beautiful blue, green and silver glittered ornaments have had time for the bitter to turn sweet so we can enjoy the happy memories they still hold. After all they were part of Libby's 1st Christmas. 
Now our Christmas tree represents all that it should. Our Savior Jesus Christ and His birth. Angels who sang amidst the glow of a new heavenly star and our own angel whom we dearly love. I've collected different angel wings over the last 2 years to keep adding. All the sparkly gold represents one of the gifts brought to the Christ Child and makes me think about what gifts we give to Him today as well as the richness this season brings to our lives. And that big red heart to honor and remember Jared. Christmas can come without ribbons. It can come without tags. It comes without packages, boxes or bags. And it even comes when all our loved ones are not here. And I'm glad it comes. And I'm glad for this beautiful tree that reminds of all we love and hold dear. 
